KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
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I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
He is just living hist best little life 😊