I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
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*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.