The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
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fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
The news in a nutshell.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
I don’t get marriage
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory