Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
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BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?