Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
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Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
I know karate and tons of other words.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
The best plant holders?
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
My current situation
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew