Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
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Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
Fidel Castro was alive?
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?