I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
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All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
Guilty! 🤪
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Happy Halloween 🎃
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.