Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
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Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
I support this random dude and all his protests
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.