Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
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why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
Inside you there are two wolves
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
This is the coolest video you will see today.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.