I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
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It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?