Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
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It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.