Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
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I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
Does your wife know you’re single?
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*