It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
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Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
584.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*