DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
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[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.