Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
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psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.