Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
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food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!