“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
You Might Also Like
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
The internet is magic sometimes.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair