I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
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What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
Vodka burrito was a success
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.