They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
You Might Also Like
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
Follow me for more life hacks.
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!