New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
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[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM