Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
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So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.