[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
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Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
Who wants to be my Valentine?
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
definitely did not do anything wrong
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.