I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
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When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
If you love someone, let them sleep.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.