We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
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They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
#have a #great #PancakeDay
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
Damn what did I do next
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me