DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
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Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor