I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
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11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich