Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
You Might Also Like
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!