CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
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*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
Born to be mild.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
i meant to share this earlier
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year