A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
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‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer