Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
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I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.