You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
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me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.