Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
You Might Also Like
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.