Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
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I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.