When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
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a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*