where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
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Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
#growingpains
Owl Sanctuary
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute