wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
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[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
My Guy
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
There’s never enough good news
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol