my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
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HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
Who did it better?
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
Encore…
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
People buying plungers never look happy.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.