Truth. ๐๐ญ๐ฎโ๐จ
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My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus ๐ก
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo ๐๐๐
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: Iโm afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.โฆa list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
Iโm donโt feel trying anything new, Iโll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Sorry, I canโt, Iโm *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
Texting you back right away doesnโt make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]โฆornate
{Dictating journal because Iโm too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: Itโs a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Getting to watch kids discover โfirstsโ is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.