My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
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Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load