Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
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I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!