Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
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I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Breakfast for Stoners:
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.