I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
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Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.