I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
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I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
😂😂😂
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day