Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
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When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
mom gave me mine for free