Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
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Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
my mind
You just read my mind
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
S O O N
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Fidel Castro was alive?
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead