My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
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The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.