Ridiculous. He should be in jail
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“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
I’d love this…lol
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
fr
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–