ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
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wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
*struts into the new year
~ trips
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏