Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
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I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
A drum solo but on your face.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*