Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
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I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?